I setup a surprise trip for Scott and I to go to St. John’s for the weekend. The trip was more about me getting Scott out to the East Coast as he had never been. In September we’re doing a transatlantic trip but skipping Newfoundland for Nova Scotia – Sydney and Halifax. I couldn’t let go that we were bypassing the greatest province in Canada – Newfoundland.

This trip has been very healing for me, more than I thought it would be going into it.

I’m sitting in the airport where as a 4 year old, in the fishbowl of a waiting area not knowing that my world was about to be rocked. The vision never left me, of my Dad looking through the glass seeing his wife and two kids leaving never to return.

As time goes on, we rebuild ourselves and what I see in St. John’s is kind of a metaphor for this trip. That fishbowl of an airport no longer exists, it’s been torn down with something better a monument of a city and province taking pride in itself, and in it’s aviation history.

This trip, I guess, was about as much as getting Scott out to the east coast where he had never been, but it also turned into me being able to take ownership for my feelings about the city and province of my birth, and have a great time

A bit of reclamation of identity, healing, making more good memories that build on trips in 1995 and 1998, and reliving some very good memories.

I’ve always been a proud Newfoundlander, but given I’ve never really grown up in the culture, I didn’t totally really understand what it meant to be a Newfoundlander, a townie (what they call us from St. John’s), etc… Despite living in Ontario for 36 years out of 42, I don’t consider myself to come from Ontario. I’ve always been a Newfie first.

It’s been hard to really take on being proud of coming from a place where there’s been so much hurt and pain generated, with very complex emotions as a result of a very complex set of circumstances. A place in many respects used as a weapon against me and my immediate family – my mother, father and sister.

St. John’s is an amazing city, and Newfoundland, at least the parts I saw of it from 1974-1979, 1995 x 2, 1998 and today in 2016 is spectacularly beautiful. How my grandmother could use it as a weapon as she did, is unfathomable and was unacceptable. I’ve known that for years, I’ve even felt that for years, but my resolve is now even stronger.

In many respects, this trip was my way of saying, “Fuck you” to all of that pain and replacing it with something amazing, with Scott. Needless to say, it was an amazing time we had.

This place has changed so much in the 18 years since I was last year, much more so than in the prior 16 and then 3 from my previous trips. Just as I have. It’s a fantastically beautiful place.

I’ve been here in winter, summer and now spring, and I think this is the first time where I feel like I could actually move here and be happy living here. Even Scott likes it here. No we’re not rushing to move, but hey, we have our options and housing is considerably cheaper than it is on the west coast. 😉

This past Christmas marked the 20th anniversary of my Dad passing away which happened while I was living in England. I don’t have a lot to be able to honour the memory of my Dad while I’m in Toronto, other than some pictures that I have. Today’s drive to Torbay, Flatrock, Pouch Cove, Bauline, Portugal Cove, St. Philips and Conception Bay South and most notably stopping in at the Ocean Sciences Center, really helped me to relive some awesome memories of driving with my Dad and Step-Mother giving me a tour, and to honour those memories which are far and few between. The whole time I was wishing Dad could have been there with us.

Most of all, you can take the b’y out of Newfoundland but you can’t take the Newfoundland out of the b’y.

We’ll be back, and it won’t be as long in between. 18 years is too long.

When life throws you lemons, make lemonade. *GRIN*

Just in case the Untied Lawsuit shuts down the site:

Over three weeks ago, I had my last weigh in with the weight loss clinic I’ve been going to for over a year.  I had an appointment with my doctor the same day where I told him that I was pretty much done with the diet – well, the weigh-ins, and that I didn’t feel it was benefiting me, and it was probably staring to cause more problems for me including:

• The start of weight gains again
• Hitting my self confidence
• Feeding into a bit of depression

Me saying, “Enough”, is actually a win.  I’ve always hated feeling like a quitter, but this really isn’t about quitting.  It’s about being able to take control of how I feel, and trusting that I now know better how to look after myself.

And so far so good.

Since leaving the program I’ve dropped 5 lbs, and more like 7lbs after a brief “hurrah” celebratory meal, where while I ate out of plan, it wasn’t hugely off of plan to cause significant weight increase.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve decided to run a bit of an experiment on myself.  I picked up a scale and I’ve decided to weight myself twice a day.  Now that’s not how someone should really regularly weigh themselves, and Scott has threatened that if I got into this kind of routine that he would take the scale from me.

That said, I wanted to prove a few things to myself.  There were many times while on this program that I thought I was losing weight, only to end up at my weigh in much higher than expected; or I’d go off on a business trip and gain weight after feeling like I hit a new low.

I have pretty much confirmed that, yes, I was hitting those lows, and that I have a much better grasp of being able to determine my own weight gain or loss by looking at myself in the mirror.  This is a huge win as, prior to this program, I was completely unable to see it.  Heck, when I was 317 lbs, I truly had no idea I was that big!

I’ve also changed my diet to be more compatible with my lifestyle, and the lifestyle I want.  This does counter some of the guidance from the program that I’ve struggled with. Here is what I’ve changed:

• Regular cheese is back in my life.  That said, for the first week or so I let myself have cheese as a snack and in my morning omelett.  The jury is out but this may have been one thing that was stopping me from getting into the goal I wanted (230ish lbs).  So for the time being, I’ve eased off, however I still allow myself to have cheese once in a while.
• I am having a fair bit of 0% Fat Greek Yogurt that has about 6g of sugar.  I am having this at least twice a day and I am not gaining or maintaining my weight, I am losing.  This is a huge win as it is helping considerably with my dairy and sweet cravings.
• Fruit, specifically berries are back in my diet stating this week.  I am adding them to my greek yogurt when I have it.  While fruit is relatively high in carbs, there is a big difference between refined sugars and natural sugars found in fruit.  There are lots of benefits that, I think, outweigh the carbs.  It doesn’t mean I go hog wild in the berry patch.
• Mixed unsalted nuts from bulk are now a regular part of my diet as a snack throughout the day.

Because of these changes, I’ve actually found it much easier to stay on the rest of the diet, and as of this past Sunday, I hit a new low of 241.9 lbs; and as of Friday, 241.8 lbs.

So something is working here. And that’s with going to an all you can eat Korean BBQ on Tuesday!

I have been able to see the impacts food has on my weight in near real time.  For example, if I go to Mr. Tonkatsu on Bloor St and order the Chicken Tonkatsu meal and eat everything except the rice, within two days I will put on 2 lbs of water weight which then comes off after two days.

I will be able to determine if cheese is something I do need to be careful with.  I can tell that other dairy I have added to my diet has not had a significant impact, in fact quite the opposite.

Fruit in the levels I am having has no effect on my weigh gain or loss.

I’m not saying the diet I was on was full of shit, quite the opposite.  I had to go through the various phases to get where I am today.  That said, I think that with the changes I have made after the sacrifices of the past year and a half, is a good compromise.

Interestingly, while I never had to track my food intake while on the diet, I decided to try tracking my food intake, which amounts to between 1600 and 1900 calories in a day.  According to the FitBit software I am using, I am regularly eating under my target calorie range, and I have actually been wondering am I putting my body into a starvation mode in that it’s still holding on to the fat rather than burning it.  To be honest, I’m not sure how much more food I can eat in a day.

Will I see 239 lbs this weekend?  That’s still 2 lbs away.  We’ll see.

The past three weeks have been non-stop travel for me between Orlando & Bahamas with Scott, Waterloo for an on-site, and now Manila.  I have one more week here after this and then it’s back to either Toronto or Waterloo – I’m not sure which.

I am a creature of habit.  Routine is something I crave wherever I am, and if I can get on one, then life is peachy.

The first time I was here in December, I really found my groove.  Up at 5:45am, breakfast with the client at 6:00am, pickup at 6:45am, arrive at the office at 7:30am, check-in call at 8:00am, lunch at 12:00pm, pickup at 3:30pm, gym or swim, dinner at 6:00pm, free time and sleep, doing it all over again.

That routine seems to be working well for me, and I can somewhat replicate it, though I admit, 9:00am meetings seem to mean late dinners, which then means I might not get the gym time – especially in North America if I have to drive to the gym, etc…

I could be a morning person here in Asia. I was in Japan, Hong Kong and again in Manila.