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VirtualGlove Update

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I’ve been working on VirutalGlove the past few weeks and the most recent update, VirtualGlove 0.5.2 now supports Batocera (X86-64 and ARM), Launchbox (Windows), Recabox and expanded support for RetroPie.

I’ve tested on the following:

  • RetroPie on a RaspberryPi 4, my arcade cabinet that also coexists with PixelCade, RGB Commander, and a Sinden Light gun
  • Recalbox on a RaspberryPi 3
  • Batocera on the Atari VCS
  • Launchbox running on Windows 11 – We’ll be sure to support Launchbox on Linux once it’s available

A note about Batocera, or even any other platform – If you have WiFi power saving enabled, you may need to turn it off. I had noticed movement was stuttered on Batocera, and it was this very setting. It would collect movements and burst them into the game.

This has been a super neat project to work on, and I’m super impressed with where the project is at.

Introducing VirtualGlove – An ’80s Gaming Idea, Reimagined

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The Nintendo Power Glove captured a wonderfully ambitious idea: what if you could control a game simply by moving your hand? For anyone drawn to the stranger, more experimental side of retro gaming, that idea still has enormous appeal. VirtualGlove brings it into a new project, using camera-based hand tracking to recreate glove-style controls for classic games. Move your hand, curl your fingers, or turn your wrist, and those gestures become controller inputs. It starts with RetroPie, connects wirelessly over your local network, and has ambitions beyond the games that inspired it.

The first surprise is that you do not need an electronic glove. VirtualGlove works with your bare hand or a plain glove in front of a camera connected to an Arduino UNO Q. The board tracks your movements and translates them into game controls, then sends those controls to a Raspberry Pi running RetroPie. On the receiving end, RetroArch sees a virtual gamepad called VirtualGlove. That gives an unusual way of playing a familiar connection to the emulator: your hand supplies the movement, while the game receives recognizable directions and buttons.

The controls combine hand position, finger gestures, and wrist movement. Calibration establishes a comfortable resting position, which becomes the centre of your control area. Move away from that point to give a direction; return towards it to release the movement. Depending on the selected profile, curling a finger can trigger an action, rolling your wrist can steer, and pushing towards the camera can activate another input. These combinations let different games have different physical personalities. A flying game, a driving game, and a side-scrolling brawler do not have to share exactly the same gestures.

VirtualGlove currently includes eleven profiles: nine reusable Programs A–I, plus dedicated controls for Bad Street Brawler and Super Glove Ball. The profiles are central to the experience because gesture control needs to suit the game. In the Joust profile, moving your hand left or right controls direction, while curling your index or middle finger repeatedly pulses the A button. Gyruss uses wrist rotation for directional control, with a straight index finger holding fire. Knight Rider turns your wrist into a steering control, lowers your hand to brake, and uses forward movement for turbo.

The dedicated profiles bring the project back to its original inspiration. In Super Glove Ball, hand movement supplies directional input, an index-finger curl activates A, and a thumb curl activates B. Bad Street Brawler combines directional movement with thumb and middle-finger actions, plus wrist gestures that produce an attack and direction together. Across the profiles, holding a V sign for about seven-tenths of a second sends Start, while a thumbs-up with the other fingers closed sends Select. Those shared gestures make it easier to move between profiles without relearning every basic control.

There is an important distinction between recreating the feel of glove controls and reproducing every feature of the original hardware. Today, VirtualGlove delivers ordinary gamepad input through its RetroPie integration. The software already preserves richer measurements, including hand position, estimated depth, wrist rotation, and finger data, for future integration. The current experience is playable gesture control, with a foundation for exploring more of the original functionality.

Getting comfortable with those gestures is part of the fun, and the project includes tools to help. A browser-based Dashboard shows the camera view and generated controller inputs, lets you select profiles, and provides calibration and start-and-stop controls. Learn mode offers eleven practice lessons with game input paused, so you can experiment without accidentally moving a character or spending a life. Gesture tuning lets you adjust sensitivity to make recognition more comfortable. You can see what the system thinks your hand is doing, then refine your movements or settings before returning to a game.

RetroPie integration also helps make the controller practical in a cabinet. Registered games can select their assigned profiles automatically when launched, and exiting a game turns gestures off. A Games editor lets you manage those assignments through the web interface. Wireless communication means the UNO Q and camera do not need a controller cable running back to the Raspberry Pi. The camera still connects to the UNO Q, and the hardware needs power, but the controller link travels across the local network. That gives you more flexibility when positioning the camera around your playing space.

That wireless link includes deliberate security measures. Pairing uses a short-lived, one-time code, protected connections, and confirmation using the UNO Q’s physical display. Once paired, the devices authenticate controller traffic using a shared secret, helping prevent input from an unpaired sender being accepted. Profile commands are authenticated too. This is designed for a trusted home or workshop network: gameplay traffic is authenticated but is not encrypted. The useful distinction is that VirtualGlove verifies incoming control messages, while relying on your local network as the environment in which the devices operate.

The broader opportunity reaches beyond a handful of nostalgic titles. Program H already provides a general four-direction mapping with finger gestures for A and B, giving players a starting point for experimenting with other games through the current controller integration. Plans include expanding to other platforms, while the separation between hand tracking, gesture mapping, and controller output provides a useful foundation for that work. RetroPie is the platform supported today; wider compatibility is the next direction. As an independent, MIT-licensed project, VirtualGlove also invites others to explore what these controls could become. For now, it offers a fresh reason to revisit familiar games: raise your hand, find your rhythm, and discover how differently an old favourite can play.

A special thank-you goes to my friend Arthur for the inspiration behind VirtualGlove. His spark helped set this project in motion, bringing an ambitious idea from the ’80s into a new retro-gaming experiment.

Retropie Console – Teaching an Arcade Panel to Explain Itself with RGB Lighting

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When I created the arcade cabinet, I wanted light up buttons because I knew I wanted the lighting configuration to change with each platform being played.

I found RGBCommander online, which was deprecated and unsupported, meanwhile it worked on my console when I figured it out. During this process, I found another tool, LED Spicer, that I’m not going to use because I’m too far invested with RGBCommander, but if I ever upgrade the OS behind my RetroPie setup, I may consider switching.

RGBCommander has been great, I love it, but it’s also not the easiest to setup. The main configuration file is an XML file that contains thousands of lines for multiple systems, game-specific lighting, folder-level for multi-disc/disk games, etc. It can get mind boggling, and if you edit the file once, add a system and come back again, it can be painful to remember how the file works to then execute.

The panel we started with

The cabinet uses an Ultimarc I-PAC Ultimate I/O as its combined input and lighting interface. The control panel includes:

  • two illuminated joysticks;
  • eight RGB action buttons for each player;
  • separate Coin and Start buttons for each player;
  • a centrally mounted RGB trackball;
  • centre utility buttons labelled Exit, Mode, Menu, and Play; and
  • an additional illuminated Coin Insert output.

Each RGB control consumes three LED channels—red, green, and blue. The Ultimate I/O provides enough channels to address the panel controls individually, while RGB Commander changes their colours in response to EmulationStation system and game events.

The authoritative configuration is rgbcmdd.xml, installed on the cabinet at:

/usr/sbin/rgbcommander/rgbcmdd.xml

I have so many backups of this file it isn’t funny. That XML file is much more than a list of colours. It records the relationship between logical controls, physical positions, Ultimate I/O output pins, emulator processes, system profiles, and—in some cases—individual games.

First, understand what the button names really mean

The first trap was the model assuming that the numbered button names followed the panel from left to right. They do not, I had wired them up like this, one set for Player 1, the other for Player 2:

               TOP ROW
┌────────┬────────┬────────┬────────┐
│BUTTON2 │BUTTON4 │BUTTON6 │BUTTON8 │
├────────┼────────┼────────┼────────┤
│BUTTON1 │BUTTON3 │BUTTON5 │BUTTON7 │
└────────┴────────┴────────┴────────┘
              BOTTOM ROW

Odd-numbered buttons are on the bottom row. Even-numbered buttons are on the top row.

That means this apparently straightforward profile:

<control name="P1_BUTTON1" colour="Red"/>
<control name="P1_BUTTON2" colour="Blue"/>
<control name="P1_BUTTON3" colour="Green"/>
<control name="P1_BUTTON4" colour="Yellow"/>


appears physically as:
Top:     Blue   Yellow
Bottom:  Red    Green

This distinction became the foundation for every console profile. A colour list that looks correct in logical button order can be visibly wrong on the real panel.

We found that photographs were indispensable. An early PlayStation layout looked plausible in the XML but revealed the wrong physical placement when illuminated. A later ColecoVision calibration used deliberately distinct colours in each position, making the odd/even arrangement impossible to misread. Once one profile proved the physical map, we could apply the same understanding to both players and every other system.

I used photos, passed into the agent, so it could map the buttons, to the XML definition, to create confidence and build an understanding of how the physical world worked. This blew me away.

Player 2 had a wiring surprise

Player 1 uses the expected RGB channel order. Its joystick occupies pins 1, 2, and 3; Coin uses 4, 5, and 6; Start uses 7, 8, and 9; and the action buttons continue through pins 10 to 33.

The right side of the board is different. Player 2 is wired in BGR order, so its pin triplets are deliberately listed in reverse:

<control name="P2_BUTTON1" pin="75,74,73"/>
<control name="P2_BUTTON2" pin="78,77,76"/>

The same compensation applies to the other Player 2 buttons, joystick, Coin, and Start controls.

At first glance, descending pin numbers look like a configuration error waiting to be tidied up. In reality, they are the correction. Changing them to ascending order would swap red and blue on the entire Player 2 side.

While I knew this as I spent the time wiring up each button, the model behind the agent didn’t, so it had to learn the setup. It discovered this on its own as I provided images and it analyzed the XML.

The trackball introduced a smaller naming complication. Its real hardware name is TRACKBALL, connected to pins 40, 41, and 42. Older profiles also contain P1_TRACKBALL and P2_TRACKBALL aliases. Those aliases are useful for compatibility, but neither one is a substitute for the physical TRACKBALL entry. Removing the middle name would leave the actual illuminated trackball out of the profile.

Recreating familiar controllers on an arcade layout

The most recognizable profiles borrow the visual language of the original controller.

The PlayStation layout uses violet, lime, cyan, and red in the physical positions corresponding to Triangle, Circle, Cross, and Square. The first calibration exposed a placement error when I was programming the XML file manually; the corrected version now appears consistently on both player sides. PSP uses the same face-button arrangement but illuminates Player 1 only, reflecting the handheld’s single-player nature.

The SNES profile uses the familiar green, blue, yellow, and red Super Famicom/PAL palette. Dreamcast uses blue, yellow, green, and red, with subdued additional controls. Saturn uses the Japanese Model 2 pad palette: green, yellow, and blue across the primary bottom row, grey across the upper row, and a muted fourth position.

These profiles are not trying to turn the arcade buttons into perfect replicas. The shapes and spacing are different. Colour provides just enough recognition to make the translation intuitive.

Other systems benefit more from simplicity than authenticity:

  • Atari 2600 illuminates one action button.
  • Game Gear lights two bottom-row actions for Player 1, along with its Start and joystick treatment.
  • SG-1000 exposes two white action buttons for both players.
  • WonderSwan and WonderSwan Color use distinct two-button handheld palettes.
  • Vectrex presents two actions per player with matching cyan joysticks.
  • SuperGrafx illuminates only the first two bottom-row controls in red and blue.

Dark buttons are just as important as lit ones. If a system only needs two controls, six unlit buttons communicate that fact much faster than a diagram hidden in a manual.

Some profiles explain function rather than history

Not every emulated system has one canonical gamepad. Classic computers may use a joystick in one game, the keyboard in another, and a mouse in a third. Ports and Steam titles can vary even more widely.

For those collections, the lighting is intentionally practical:

  • pointer-first systems such as Macintosh, ScummVM, ResidualVM, and Z-machine illuminate the physical trackball and likely click actions;
  • two-button computer profiles illuminate the first two bottom-row actions and the joysticks;
  • the broad PC profile exposes six coloured actions per player, both joysticks, and the trackball;
  • controller-driven engines use a conventional four-colour action layout; and
  • variable collections such as Ports and Steam use broad diagnostic profiles rather than pretending that every game shares one controller.

This is an important design boundary. The panel should be honest. When the exact layout varies by game, the lights can identify the available control families without claiming more certainty than we have.

Branding can be useful too

The ZX Spectrum profile is a deliberate exception to the usual mirrored Player 1 and Player 2 treatment.

Both gameplay sides use the same red, green, yellow, and blue action arrangement, but the Coin and Start controls form the classic Spectrum colour sequence:

ControlColour
Player 1 CoinRed
Player 1 StartYellow
Player 2 CoinGreen
Player 2 StartBlue

Both joysticks remain dim.

Functionally, the two sides still behave consistently. Visually, the upper controls become a small piece of system branding. Mirroring the Player 1 colours onto Player 2 would be more symmetrical but would erase the point of the design.

System-wide profiles are not always enough

RGB Commander can select a profile from the EmulationStation system name, but some games need more specific treatment.

Arcade collections are the obvious example. MAME games can have ROM-specific button mappings, so the panel can illuminate the controls used by an individual title and fall back to the shared arcade profile when no game-specific definition exists.

SuperGrafx revealed a different version of the same problem. It has its own two-button system profile, but five SuperGrafx titles also appear as per-game emulator routes inside the PC Engine collection: 1941, Aldynes, Battle Ace, Dai Makaimura, and Madou Ou Granzort.

We added matching ROM-specific entries to the PC Engine lighting profile. Those games now receive the red-and-blue SuperGrafx layout regardless of which collection launches them, while ordinary PC Engine titles retain their normal lighting.

The lesson was that the menu folder is not always the whole story. Lighting must sometimes follow the actual game or emulator route rather than the collection label alone.

Lighting must never prevent a game from starting

RGB Commander needs to identify the process that actually runs an emulator. Most Libretro systems eventually launch retroarch. Our Amiga configurations use standalone Amiberry.

The original Amiga lighting entries could leave RGB Commander waiting for the wrong process. Repeated launches filled its message queue, and RetroPie’s start hook could block before Amiberry appeared. A feature intended to clarify the controls was now capable of stopping the game entirely.

We corrected both sides of the failure:

  1. The Amiga and Amiga CD32 profiles now identify amiberry as their emulator process.
  2. The launch hook gives RGB Commander two seconds and then continues regardless:
timeout --signal=TERM --kill-after=1s 2s \
  rgbparse "$1" "$3" > /dev/null 2>&1 || true

The first correction makes the lighting work. The second establishes the right priority: lighting is helpful, but gameplay is essential. A lighting-service failure must never strand the user outside the emulator.

We validated the correction with A500, A500+, A1200, CD32, and CDTV launches, as well as ordinary Libretro games.

Preserving RGB Commander in Dual DInput mode

The I-PAC also provides the cabinet controls. We keep it in Dual DInput mode so it exposes two independent panel gamepads rather than pretending to be a keyboard or collapsing the cabinet into one Xbox-style player.

RGB Commander 0.4.0.5 recognizes the I-PAC’s older keyboard-mode USB product ID, but not the product ID used in Dual DInput mode. Returning to keyboard mode would have fixed the lights by breaking the input design.

Instead, we created a narrowly scoped compatibility library that is preloaded only into the RGB Commander service. For the Dual DInput device, it changes the product ID reported to that one process. It does not change the real USB descriptor, firmware, input events, or LED protocol, and no other application sees the substitution.

This lets the input and lighting systems remain independent. The virtual gamepad merger handles gameplay controls, while RGB Commander continues to address the physical Ultimate I/O directly.

Our editing and test routine

A lighting change is not complete when the XML looks right. Our normal process is:

  1. Confirm the physical row and logical button number.
  2. Define both players for a two-player system, or intentionally limit a handheld to Player 1.
  3. Preserve Player 2’s reversed BGR pin order.
  4. Decide explicitly whether unused controls should be dim or fully off.
  5. Preserve the real TRACKBALL output when compatibility aliases are present.
  6. Validate the XML before installation.
  7. Back up the live configuration.
  8. Restart RGB Commander and inspect its service log.
  9. Launch a Libretro game and a standalone Amiberry game.
  10. Compare the illuminated panel with the intended physical layout—preferably with a photograph.

The XML is validated before installation with:

xmllint --noout rgbcmdd.xml

After installation, RGB Commander should be active and the emulator launch should never pause waiting for it.

We keep the live XML, a copy beside the full-drive backup, and a working copy on another computer. The file is small, but it represents hours of physical tracing, calibration, system research, and design decisions. Losing it would be more like losing part of the wiring diagram than losing a cosmetic preference.

The result

In the front end, the cabinet can still be playful. The Player 1 joystick is associated with red, Player 2 with blue, and the joystick lighting animates while the buttons display different colours ready for action.

Launch a game and the purpose changes. A one-button system becomes visually simple. A PlayStation game presents a familiar four-colour arrangement. A pointer-oriented computer brings the trackball into focus. A two-player system mirrors the useful controls across both sides. Unused buttons disappear.

The panel no longer asks a new player to understand eight identical glowing buttons. It offers a suggestion and provides guidance before the game even starts.

That is the difference between lighting a control panel and teaching it to explain itself.

My thoughts on Madonna albums – Part 4

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Ray of Light

Wow, what can I say about this album.

Vulnerability.

This is an incredible album starting with Drowned World/Substitute for Love which is an incredible song about spirituality and those things we substitute for love. In Madonna’s case, her fame. The arrival of her daughter Lola gives us a very revealing album that I adore and this track that is amazing.

I’d be going to work on the bus and subway here in Toronto, and listen to this album.

Swim feels like the first rock track we’ve heard from Madonna, then it adds trance elements with a great beat. It’s an existential and cathartic track about escaping a chaotic world. It’s incredible.

Ray of Light is incredible, the video is incredible and it really was the track the world needed at that time. For Madonna personally, it celebrates her awakening following the birth of her daughter Lourdes, exploring themes of mindfulness, the vastness of the universe, and inner peace. After some heavy processing, this track gives us release as you’re listening to the album.

Candy Perfume Girl is a hypnotic, abstract exploration of all-consuming desire, intimacy, and the nature of addiction. For one of the co-writers, it was inspire by the death of her brother to addiction. Madonna veiled it around physical intimacy and seduction. The lyrics aren’t meant to be taken literally, but rather as an atmospheric, psychedelic trip. I do like multiple levels to song meanings.

For me, I just thought this was an interesting track, and didn’t think much of it.

Skin is a trip – a visceral, erotic song about obsessive desire, vulnerability, and the search for deep emotional connection. The production is incredible.

Nothing Really Matters is an incredible production, lyrically and sonically. The video is incredible too. Ultimately it’s about motherhood, spiritual awakening, and shedding past selfishness. I adore this track.

Something is ending
And something begins

Sky Fits Heaven celebrate listening to your feelings, embracing the signs around you, and following your heart over societal expectations,

Traveling down their own road
Watching the signs as they go?
I think I’ll follow my heart
It’s a very good place to start

William Orbit did an amazing job of production on this track, and the whole album, but this stands out for me.

Shanti / Ashtangi – Madonna reciting a Hindu Sanskrit prayer with techno. It’s a strange mix but it works. She’s definitely not in Act of Contrition territory here, and while some people may have panned it, knowing where she’s coming from this album it fits with the theme, and her spirituality.

Frozen – I adore this track, the strings, the imagery. It amazing and quite possibly her most revealing heartbreak song.

Love is a bird
she needs to fly

I felt seen in this song. Around this time I was very much struggling with my relationship to my sibling and mother. I was internalising a lot and knew I was quite closed, and had no idea how to break free of that very frozen heart. Listening to it again as I write this, I am transported back to those feelings and while there’s a sadness, I’m in a much better place, and I’m proud of the man I’ve become and the love I’m now able to show, and know there’s more to express.

This song would be on my desert island discs.

If Frozen, for me, is about sorting out my emotions of my immediate family, The Power of Goodbye was about processing the death of my grandmother. Ray of Light came out a mont after my grandmother passed away.

It is an incredible production and song. Madonna’s voice is incredible.

Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
There’s nothing left to lose
There’s no more heart to bruise
There’s no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

It explores the bittersweet strength and liberation that comes from walking away from a toxic or unfulfilling relationship

To have and not to hold is a song about emotional distance and that unrequited love. It’s a good song. I always think I’ll skip it and then it draws me in.

Little Star is Madonna’s reflections on and tribute to her daughter Lourdes. It’s a psychedelic journey and really sweet.

Mer Girl is about Madonna dealing with the grief of losing her mother. It’s an incredible song, and journey.

I ran and I ran
I was looking for me

This is the next most important album in Madonna’s catalogue which, at this point I would considering to be Like a Prayer, Erotica and Ray of Light.

Music

We come back to Madonna on the dance floor with a Cowboy theme to start!

I love Music. It’s like old school Madonna updated for today. Hip Hop beats with French producer Mirwais.

She was already the queen by this point, but, to me, this album helped really solidify her legacy. She really does take you on a journey with her albums from 1983 to 2000 at this point.

Impressive Instant is wild intoxicating journey of love at first sight. It’s a song that I should hate but I don’t. Did I say it’s wild? Totally unhinged.

Runaway Lover is another incredible track about a lover who runs away when things get serious. It’s a great track.

I Deserve It, a guitar ballad dedicated to both her husband and son. It’s a great track and I’ve appreciated the sentiment.

Amazing is a great track about infatuation and love overriding her rational mind. Such a great production.

Nobody’s Prefect, a song about regret about hurting someone else. I’m smiling at this track and re-listening to it for the first time in a long time, the production is great. I don’t care much for the autotune on Madonna’s vocal.

Don’t Tell Me is probably my favourite track on the album. The production is catchy, the lyrics are amazing – definitely a song of defiance and one I adore. The strings and pads at the end are incredible.

Tell the bed not to lay
Like a open mouth of a grave, yeah
Not to stare up at me
Like a calf down on its knees

What it feels like for a girl is an amazing track calling out sexism and patriarchal double standards. I adore this track. I also like the ribs at toxic masculinity at the beginning. This song did give me pause for thought as I think about the women in my life, and also being able to relate to certain parts of the song as a sensitive gay man, I see what’s going on having received the paralleling treatment:

Hurt that’s not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you’re trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less?

The video is even more powerful, and that remix is incredible.

Paradise (Not for me) explores the illusion of idealized relationships, the emotional cost of fame, and the realization that what someone else offers as a perfect life or love isn’t meant for you. The strings at the end are beautiful.

Gone a great song about not compromising and letting go or walking away from a relationship when it’s reached its expiration date. It’s great country song and Madonna’s voice is strong. I really like this track.

American Pie was an incredible cover and I love that she sings it. It’s very her and I can see why she’d want to cover it. It brought a lot of joy when it came out. William Orbit’s production is iconic.

I realize that for many of these tracks I’m providing more what the history of the track is. To me, they’re mostly purely good pop tracks, something to enjoy.

American Life

Being a Canadian living north of the border next to the United States of America, honestly, anything related to America I just shut down. I’ve been travelling regularly to that country since 1987, and while it’s beautiful and has some incredible places and people, it’s also incredibly disturbing. Realizing just how much American people face real propaganda every day, the poverty I’ve seen in areas, the way people are treated down there – especially today in 2026, just wow.

I panned American Life. I’m not always a fan of political albums and while I understood what Madonna was doing with this album, I panned it.

I decided earlier this year to give it a good critical listen.

It is an incredible album and on my list of Madonna albums that didn’t gel with me, I rate this higher than Bedtime Stories.

The title track is great, the video was incredible – all the versions, even if the original vision couldn’t be realized – look it up, bad timing. it’s clear people have their heads stuck in the sand.

Hollywood is a great callout to entertainment industry culture, fame and the American Dream. Having been to LA, Hollywood, and Orange County, I share similar sentiments.

On I’m so stupid, Madonna calls out her past self and her relation to the American Dream.

Love Profusion feels like it belongs on Ray of Light or Music rather than American Dream. Within the context of Madonna’s timeline, it makes sense – She was living in the UK with her husband at the time, and reflecting on what she’s learned living away from the United States. This comes up a lot – check out videos on YouTube.

I encourage anyone to travel the world, and live somewhere else. I’ve lived in the UK twice, I’ve lived the equivalent of three years in the US with proper work permits with all my trips, I’ve been to Asia, Central America and South America. Get out of your comfort zone.

Nobody Knows Me is a great track countering the media, especially tabloids. She asserts that her true self remains completely separate from her public person. Given how much people have misinterpreted her actions…

Nothing Fails is a beautiful love song and I very much associate this with Scott. This is a favourite off the album. How a good relationship feels like a safe haven. The choir at the end is beautiful. There are some great remixes of Nothing Fails too which are amazing.

Intervention is a beautiful song dedicated to her son.

X-Static Process The lyrics convey how putting a partner on a pedestal can cause someone to lose sight of their own worth, resulting in a bittersweet realization that they too are special and talented. Madonna’s voice is incredible and vulnerable on this track.

Mother and Father, a deliberate contrast as Madonna reflects on her parents, processing, and doing her best to move on and healing. It’s a vibe and one I can very much appreciate.

Die Another Day – I rather enjoyed Madonna’s take on a James Bond theme, and being in Die Another Day. Anyone who can rap about Sigmund Freud is an artist I’m going to follow.

I love the theme – It’s a refusal to give up in the face of psychological torture, pressure, or destruction, opting instead to endure and live on your own terms. It’s way deeper than people likely assume as a James Bond theme song. I love the string samples with the analogue synth lead. Tight production.

Easy Ride, an autobiographical track about not wanting the easy ride, to earn her way and not ride on her coat tails and reflections on aging and living:

I want to let go of all disappointment
That’s waiting for me
What I want is to live forever
Not defined by time and space
It’s a lonely place
That’s what I want


I realize that for many of these tracks I’m providing more what the history of the track is. To me, I’m really listening to these songs for the first time properly with context. It’s clear I missed a lot with this album. There was a lot going on at that time in the world and it hit a raw nerve. It’s worth listening with a critical ear.

It’s way better than I realized, and important. It’s clear we’re way way out of her early albums. She’s matured, and has become an incredibly important story teller.

Next we get into dance territory with Confessions on a dance floor, Hard Candy and MDNA.

My thoughts on Madonna albums – Part 3

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We get to our third instalment, revealing my thoughts on Madonna’s album. We get to a super interesting period of Madonna’s catalogue and peak controversial Madonna. Thing is, what Madonna did for women at this time, paved the way for all women artists that came after, and gave her contemporaries permission to express themselves even more.

Erotica

Give it up, do as I say
Give it up and let me have my way
I’ll give you love, I’ll hit you like a truck
I’ll give you love, I’ll teach you how to- (uh)

I got tickets to see Erasure at the O’Keefe Center/Sony Center/Humingbird Center – I don’t remember the current name for the theatre. My friends Dean and Christian had gone to the same concert though I bought my ticket late so sat solo.

This was when Chorus and ABBA-esque had come out. I had second-row seats to that concert and it was an amazing gay cultural moment for me on so many levels. I had started becoming very aware that I was gay starting around 1990 despite being outed in 1986.

In front of me was a group of clearly gay men dressed up. They were amazing. One of the guys had Madonna’s Erotica album they had just purchased and I am pretty sure it was my first time really connecting with another gay man about music. It felt good.

That’s my best memory of this album.

Erotica is incredible! Such a great song, and she doesn’t hold back on expressing eroticism in different ways on this album, expressing so much about relationships, the power of communication. To think people were so focused on the controversy again. It speaks more about the media than it does Madonna.

Shep Pettibone is an amazing dance producer and remixer. I adore his remixes and his contributions to this album are incredible. Definitely a uniting of two music forces.

Erotica – wow, such a great track and it certainly garned a lot of attention.

Her cover of Fever, wow!

Bye Bye Baby – a feminist breakup anthem about reclaiming power and abandoning a toxic lover, yes! The hip-hop vibes are amazing! Critics were critical of her vocal performance? It’s prefect for this track

Deeper and Deeper will get me on a dance floor. That piano line, the strings, ahhhhhh, this is quite possibly the PERFECT Madonna song. Deep house and 1970s disco vibes.

Someone said that romance was dead
And I believed it instead of remembering what my mama told me
Let my father mold me
Then you tried to hold me
You remind me of what they said
This feeling inside
I can’t explain
But my love is alive
And I’m never gonna hide it again

This song is about queer liberation. It’s coded given the time, but this stanza says it all.

Iconic!

Where Life Belongs is amazing, for some cringey, for others, well they just couldn’t handle the song’s content. My Baptist Grandfather, Grandmother and Step-Grandmother would immediately explode and catch fire if they knew I was listening to this.

I just told Scott, “I’m listening to that oral sex song again!” – I played it recently to Scott and he laughed and chucked.

Seriously, Madonna singing about stuff that people can’t handle. Even today!

Bad Girl is one of the most important tracks on this album, exploring how people use self-destructive habits like excessive drinking and casual sex to mask deep emotional pain and heartbreak. It’s said to be a response to the exhaustion of friends who she had lost to HIV/AIDS and the rejection of perfection.

When this album came out I had moved out of my childhood home and in with my aunt and uncle after finally reaching the breaking point with being abused and used where I was physically assaulted, my interpretation of this song showed me the path I didn’t want to take and to keep looking forward, following my dreams. I could very much relate.

In the themes of communication and empowerment, Waiting is a poignant exploration of unrequited love, vulnerability, and relationship fatigue. It’s a great track.

Every time I hear Thief of Heats, I think of a drag queen laying down the law about someone not stealing her man. I love how tough Madonna is on this track, completely unapologetic. The house and hip hop is alive on this one. It’s a beautiful melding of sounds.

You’ll do it, you’ll take it
You’ll screw it, you’ll fake it
Undo it, you’ll break it
You’re over, you can’t take it

Words explores the pain of verbal manipulation and emotional dishonesty in relationships. This song hits harder these days, and hit hard back when I first heard it.

But your actions speak louder than words
And they’re only words, unless they’re true
Your actions speak louder than promises
You’re inclined to make and inclined to break

Rain is a beautiful ballad, and probably my second most favourite track on the album. This song gave me hope that there were much brighter and better days ahead, which has definitely happened since this time.

Rain is what the thunder brings
For the first time I can hear my heart sing
Call me a fool but I know I’m not
I’m gonna stand out here on the mountain top
‘Til I feel your
Rain

The video with the Japanese elements is amazing. Directed by Mark Romanek.

Why’s It So Hard is a great song about everything that’s fucked up in this world. Why can’t we come together, why are there so many divisions? Why’s it so hard to show each other some love. I get the frustration. I have a brother that’s so “anti-woke” and I’m like, what the fuck? You’re someone who shows great love to people, you would give the shirt off your back, and yet you’re on that conspiracy theorist train?

In This Life is a tribute to her friends who passed away from HIV/AIDS – Martin Burgoyne and Christopher Flynn. I always knew this song was about HIV and the impact on loved ones. It asks some great questions, and this song is one that reminds me of why I’ve volunteered in safe sex education and mens outreach. Another mother Madonna moment.

Have you ever watched your best friend die
Have you ever watched a grown man cry
Some say that life isn’t fair
I say that people just don’t care
They’d rather turn the other way
While we wait for this thing to go away
Why do we have to pretend
Some day I pray it will end

Secret Garden caps the album – an empowering ode to female identity, self-discovery, and natural sexuality. Bring it on!

Critics panned Erotica because of the sexual content and all the taboo stuff that she very well knew that people couldn’t handle. I applaud Madonna for this album, for what she was trying to accomplish. Along with the book Sex, which again, people couldnt’ handle.

I’ve seen Sex. A former boyfriend of mine has it and it’s a great book. That said, Vanilla Ice? Okay, whatever floats your boat Madonna.

Bedtime Stories

This is an album I panned. I am most definitely not a fan of R&B and with the plethora of R&B that was being produced at the time, I ignored it.

That said, it’s grown on me over time and there are truly some epic tracks on this album. Björk, Nellee Hooper and Madonna? Oh yes! The hip-hop and funk elements? Absolutely!

Survival sounded too much like typical girl groups at the time so I completed panned it. Listening to it again, it’s a great song and given what’s just been released with Confessions II, it’s super interesting to listen to this, and I feel like I need to give Madonna an apology for only just appreciating this album:

So, here’s my question (My question)
Does your criticism (Criticism)
Have you caught up in what you cannot see?
Well, if you give me respect
Then you’ll know what to expect

Secret resonates with me today. The themes of self love – “Until I learned to love myself, I was never ever loving anybody else” highlights the realization that healthy, fulfilling relationships are only possible once you heal your own insecurities.

I’d Rather Be Your Lover was supposed to be with Tupac Shakur! I get the theme. Meh.

Don’t Stop brings Madonna’s political tone much lower, in that, we’re finally back to pure dance floor Madonna. It’s a grove, and I like it. It’s likely to not be a regular for me. It’s not Madonna really story telling which she does best. Honestly, filler at best.

By this time of Madonna’s career, you figure a song with the Inside of me is going to be erotic, but it’s not, despite her high voice, R&B and Hip Hop vibe. It’s a track about her mother and quite tender. It just feels disconnected, and I’m not sure it feels like authentic Madonna. The lyrics certainly are, for sure, hands down. The voice? It’s think it could have been done in a different way. Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I’m not, given why this album exists, to calm down the media circus and controversy.

Human Nature is amazing, the video even more amazing with Madonna in full fetish gear! This track is clearly a big fuck you to everyone that stirred up the media backlash and were completely blind to her true message.

And I’m not sorry (I’m not sorry)
It’s human nature (It’s human nature)
And I’m not sorry (I’m not sorry)
I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me (It’s human nature)

My reaction at the time was possibly a bit of shock, but then it was, YES! Again, another one of those mother Madonna moments.

Forbidden Love is actually a beautiful track. I wanted to like it back in the day, but themes of love I immediately panned. I was jaded on what love of any kind was, I very much thought it was a fallacy despite very much wanting any kind of love.

I get the themes of rejection and longing as an aphrodisiac and I very much appreciate the song now. Babyface’s voice is smooth, Madonna’s is perfect.

Love tried to welcome me, is not a song I paid any attention to when listening to this album. Relooking at the themes, wow – exploring themes of worthiness, being drawn to sadness, loneliness. Lyrically it’s great!

Sanctuary is incredible and definitely one that stood out. This is one of the tracks with Nellee Hooper, very trip-hop. The song explore love and intimate connection as a safe, transcendent space from the world’s pain. It questions is pain so necessary to then appreciate joy.

Who needs the sun, when the rain’s so full of life?
Who needs the sky when the ground’s open wide?
It’s here in your arms I want to be buried
You are my sanctuary

We then arrived at the Björk-penned Bedtime Story. My understanding is, Madonna wanted Björk to write a whole album, but she declined. Björk, Nelee Hooper, Marius de Vries and Madonna. Just wow.

Bedtime Story is an amazing trance trip-hop experience. The video is a total 90s experience. It’s a meditation, it’s communicating without words, you just have to listen to it.

And to think it came out of words Björk had always wanted to hear Madonna say? LOL

Take a Bow is an incredible ballad with Babyface. It’s about unrequited love, saying goodbye and love being taken for granted and the final curtain call. I have a weird association to this song. Saying goodbye and the feeling that I was taken for granted by my family.

The show is over say goodbye

This is a weird album to me. To be blunt it feels like at times it’s inauthentic yet I know it is Madonna. The lyrics, absolutely are 100% Madonna. Honestly, it’s one or two tracks that I’m letting paint the picture versus the tracks I like. Maybe it’s because a good part of this album is reactionary – she felt she had to tone things down, she was pressured to tone things down. At the same time I need to acknowledge that it’s good to experiment, so I could be completely wrong about this album.

There genuinely are some great tracks on this album, especially the second half.

Something to Remember

With the release of the Something to Remember compilation of ballads, I felt Bedtime Stories had a long release period despite primarily 1994 and 1995. I always associate You’ll See with Bedtime Stories when it was a single from Something to Remember.

While I know that You’ll See is about the break up of a romantic relationship, this song hit harder for me. I was living in the UK when this came out. I was in Frankfurt, Germany working around Christmas 1995 and it was the first time I felt truly alone, and defiant.

It was the start of a tumultuous time. Losing my father, becoming my own person, coming out and questioning everything about how I grew up.

These lyrics pretty much say it all:

All by myself
I don’t need anyone at all
I know I’ll survive
I know I’ll stay alive
All on my own
I don’t need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You’ll see

A year and a half later or so, I’ll Remember from the same compilation would become my first breakup song. It really is a beautiful song.

Massive Attack on I Want You – incredible.

I’m not going to talk about the other tracks, these are the ones that are closest to my heart.

This compilation felt like a return to form for Madonna. Did she really go to far with Erotica? I don’t think, but she did hit the wall at the right point. Bedtime Stories still feels like an odd album in her catalogue, but I have a much better appreciation for that album as an adult.

Having lived in the UK and really exploring more dance and electronic music, it’s not surprising that that album didn’t gel with me, and that’s okay. You can’t like everything an artist does – it’s art. Being a producer myself, I know my music is quirky at times and I can’t expect people to like it.

Evita

I’m not going to talk much about Evita. I saw the movie and thought it was good. I think Madonna does a great job of singing.

Another Suitcase in Another Hall, Don’t Cry for me Argentina, and You Must Love me – Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice good

And I think here is a good place to stop for the introduction of Madonna’s Veronica Electronica years.

My thoughts on Madonna albums – Part 2

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Who’s That Girl

I’ve not seen many films that Madonna’s has been in. I think just Who’s That Girl and Evita – the latter is excellent.

This album includes 4 Madonna originals including the self-titles theme song from the movie. It’s just fun and takes me back to the summer before grade 8.

Who’s that girl, I never understood the Spanish until I started learning Spanish a few years ago. Again it’s such a fun song.

Quién es esa niña (who’s that girl?)

The chord structure of Causing a Commotion should drive me nuts but I actually like it. Don’t ask me what is it should drive me nuts, I don’t know what it is. This song grew on me, and given my associations to it from the Blond Ambition Tour, it makes me smile. I like the reference to Into The Groove.

I have always loved the bass line of The look of love. For me, personally I associate this in the same category as Live to Tell.

I’ve had a map laid out from the day I was born
But the roads are blocked, and the paper is worn
And all the books I’ve read, and the things I know
Never taught me to laugh, never taught to let go

Can’t Stop is another feel good Madonna song that makes me want to dance with late 80s nostalgia. Again, just a fun pop track!

Like A Prayer

Prince – who realized that Prince was all over this album? I need to pay more attention to liner notes, but I think the patchouli smelling cover had some music enhancing drug properties. LOL – Just kidding. Still!

To go from Who’s That Girl

That guitar riff is iconic and the way Like a Prayer starts, such a great track. I wrote a paper in Grade 9 religion on this song. It was a complete fluff piece regurgitating what the church’s stance was, what Madonna’s stance was and my own stance. The Pepsi advertisement, the burning crosses of the video – iconic and once again, because people are blind, they get the messaging wrong.

Like A Prayer is such an important song, not necessarily for the lyrical content, but for the controversy that I rolled my eyes at – mostly towards the Roman Catholic Church of the day and the religious right.

Oh, the racism that followed too? Yeah.

The hypocrisy…

The choir? Have I mentioned I actually gave a thing for gospel choirs? Oh yes!

If you want a GREAT version of this song? Check out the version on The Immaculate Collection. It’s my favourite version.

Express Yourself, another amazing song about female empowerment, although as a gay man I also took note. When she opened with this at the Blond Ambition Tour, I felt shivers up my spine. Such a great song. Do check out the version on The Immaculate Collection. It too is my favourite version.

I recently heard that Love Song that’s a duet with Prince was a real clash in the studio. Prince wanted a big production, Madonna said to strip it back. We get the stripped back version on this album, through I do wish I could hear Prince’s version. Prince is an artist I reflect, and I like a number of his tracks, but he doesn’t really resonate with me.

This song is not really my favourite on the album, and it feels a bit weird. Almost typically strange Prince production, but it really shows where Madonna can go with different styles. I’m not sure I appreciated at the time, how big this collaboration was, and rare Prince sharing lead vocals with someone.

Till Death Do Us Part is another song that I put in the same category as Live to Tell and The Look of Love. The song explores a toxic, codependent cycle of fighting, verbal abuse, and reconciliation. I was 15 at the time and this was what I was observing in my home life at the time.

Promise to Try is Madonna’s song around dealing with the grief of losing her mother to breast cancer. I have always loved this ballad, it’s beautiful. The piano is stunning. For me, my own interpretation is thinking about being alone, abandoned and struggling with my home life.

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew
I was afraid you’d go away, too

Little girl you’ve got to forget the past
And learn to forgive me
I promise to try, but it feels like a lie

Which that we come to the end of side A. I also had Like a Prayer on vinyl.

Cherish I appreciated more as an adult, and it grew on me. It’s a bop and a fun track. As a gay man, I think of me singing it to Scott. It works.

Dear Jessie is another beautiful track. Many gay men, especially with the Confessions II era refer to Madonna as “mother” and with that album, I actually understand it now and in many respects feel that way, especially given her impact on me as an HIV/AIDS Activist and Safe Sex advocate. This song sounds like a mother singing a lullaby. Gorgeous.

Oh Father is a tough track for me. Where Madonna sings about the relationship of having a strict father, I related to it with my strict grandmother. The themes she sings about was exactly how I felt.

It’s funny that way
You can get used to the tears and the pain
What a child will believe
You never loved me

You can’t hurt me now
I got away from you
I never thought I would
You can’t make me cry
You once had the power
I never felt so good about myself

Maybe someday
When I look back, I’ll be able to say
You didn’t mean to be cruel
Somebody hurt you too

If Oh Father helped me process the pain of family. Keep it together helped me to think about my extended family of my aunt, uncle and cousins who have been more family to me than my own family:

When I get lonely
And I need to be
Loved for who I am
Not what they want to see

Brothers and sisters
They’ve always been there for me
We have a connection
Home is where the heart should be

It’s a great celebratory song of what family should be, striking out on your own, and support.

Spanish Eyes is a song about AIDS and losing a close friend. 8 years and still so much misinformation and people dying senselessly due to government inaction and hate. This is a beautiful tribute.

He had to fight like all the rest
In the barrio all the streets are paved with fear
I don’t understand
At least he was a man
… How many lives will they have to take
How much heartache
How many suns will they have to burn
Spanish eyes
When will they ever learn
…You were not the Maravilla in our minds
We were proud to fight but we cannot win this blind
Stand your guns against the wall
Who’s next in line to fall

We then end with comedic Madonna and the Act of Contrition featuring Prince. I LOVE this track – gospel choir, Prince guitar, Madonna rapping a prayer and then waking up trying to make a reservation at a restaurant? It’s completely unhinged!

Over all the controversy really caused by others, I think people missed the importance of this album. It’s Madonna at her most vulnerable to date, well before Ray of Light which would come 9 years later.

Madonna the activist, singing about taboo topics such as AIDS, mental health, family relationships. This was the perfect album at the prefect time for me. It helped me to express emotions through someone else’s music, it helped me process the pain I was living with at the time, and it was healing or at lease eased the pain.

Probably the most important album, to me, in Madonna’s catalogue.

I’m Breathless

If there was an album every gay boy in high school in 1990 was listening to, it had to be I’m Breathless. You thought Pet Shop Boys producing Liza Minnelli singing Sondheim was gay? How about Madonna and Sondheim collaborating?

I don’t think I’ve seen Dick Tracy, despite the fact I fell in love with this album and listened to it A LOT. I even was given a Dick Tracy t-shirt by my aunt, uncle and cousins after they got back from a trip to California.

I was finish grade 10 and going into grade 11 when this album came out, so was 16.

This album is full of some great double entendres, perfect for the character of Breathless Mahoney. Peak artistically inspired Madonna playing a character.

Beyond Master and Servant from Depeche Mode, Hanky Panky certainly was an education. Reflecting recently about those times, there certainly was a lot of sex in music between safe sex messaging, artists like Madonna trying to normalize the discussion that sex is not something to be ashamed of, and talking about it alleviates more than it causes issue – hello closeted Republicans crashing Growlr circa 2020s?

Treat me like I’m a bad girl, even when I’m being good to you,
I don’t want you to thank me, you can just spank me.

I need to to let the album speak for itself. I’m not one for lounge music and that old-time sound from the 20s and 30s, but this album just works for me. Do listen to it. It’s incredible and it gives me a lot of happy memories. That said, here are some songs that really stand out for me:

Something to Remember is the most poignant track on the album. The stings on this track are amazing.

Guess I’m waiting for my place in your sun
Wish I had the chance to know you and it wasn’t stormy weather
What a shame, who’s to blame?

Back in the Business and More are completely camp romps! I’m totally getting Madonna channelling Liza Minnelli in Chicago with More, not surprising given it’s a Sondheim produced-track.

Just ’cause you got a halo don’t mean that you can fly.

What Can You Lose is a beautiful duet with Mandy Patinkin and another Sondheim produced-track.

Now I’m Following You with Warren Beatty reminds me of – Part II is probably the first time we hear Madonna get really expressively erotic on an album, and really, Madonna history is never the same. Those sampled “Dicks” always make me chuckle.

Unlikely as it is to me
On the floor with two left feet
Let’s boogie woogie till our

To cap off this completely amazing album we head to the Ballroom with Vogue. No honey, I’m not talking about the basic Ballroom, I’m talking about the Ballroom Scene honey, Pose-style.

This was a HUGE cultural moment. Madonna opened up the beauty of the New York Ballroom scene –

The ballroom scene is an underground LGBTQ+ subculture founded in Harlem, New York during the late 1960s by Black and Latino communities. It provided a safe haven and chosen family structures (known as “Houses”) for marginalized queer individuals facing severe racism and homophobia.

Voguing is a highly stylized, competitive dance form born directly on the floors of these ballroom events. It is composed of five core elements: hand performance, catwalk, duckwalk, floor performance, and spins and dips

The concept of “Houses” directly translates into family of choice – the latter of which Scott and I belong to and have built – very much handed down and inspired.

Part 3 we look at Madonna’s next reinvention… was it really a reinvention? Honestly, I think that’s just a silly bucket that people have put artists into.

My thoughts on Madonna albums – Part 1

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I was thinking of writing a series on Madonna albums and my thoughts on the album progressions, and their impacts on me. I should do the same with other artists as music really is religion to me. I wasn’t sure if I should go track by track, but I figure I’d go album by album.

I am going to get personal here, as one of the joys of music is our own interpretations of the lyrics, making it our own, becoming the soundtrack of life.

Let’s see how this goes.

Madonna

Her first album and the first tracks that turned my head. Lucky Star, Holiday, Borderline, and Burning Up are standouts for me.

Lucky Star, the first track still sounds fresh and the production on it, the soundscape of guitars and synths, this will always be a banger to me. I’m surprised I didn’t learn the dance moves, but not having access to Much Music, I had to catch this on Video Hits on CBC with Samantha Taylor over the air.

Borderline, such a great song and it has always resonated with me. Now I realize it’s about a relationship between too lovers, but I admit the start of the song really sounds like how I felt as a kid on several levels – the limits imposed on me, the control imposed on me by key members of my family:

Somethin’ in the way you love me won’t let me be
I don’t want to be your prisoner, so baby, won’t you set me free?
…Feels like I’m goin’ to lose my mind
You just keep on pushin’ my love
Over the borderline

Burning Up is so catchy and I’d totally get on a club dancefloor, such a classic.

Holiday I always think is on Like a Virgin because of how much it was played and then Like a Virgin. I think Holiday really struck accord with so many people with the themes of connectedness. Sure, it’s easy to dismiss it as pop fluff, but I think the positive message still stands.

Everybody, the song that broke her at the Danceteria. It’s definitely a vibe and a product of the time. It’s not my favourite track, but it is an important track that’s part of the journey of where pop was going back in the early 80s.

Physical Attraction, I think, gives insights into where Madonna would go. The lyrics certainly real a lot about sexual desire and a woman taking control of her destiny, either speaking up to the object of her desire. I’m all for Madonna’s expression of sexuality and empowerment of women through her music, and women were and are still inspired.

I know it, and Think of me really don’t resonate with me and I can’t talk much to these.

Like a Virgin

Alright, if all you’re doing is focusing on Madonna rolling around on the floor at the 1984 MTV VMAs, then you’ve missed everything Madonna stands for. Her “shock” was inspiring to me as we get into later albums. As far as I’m concerned, people are basic and chose not to look deeper.

Material Girl, ah Material Girl. I’ve always wanted to do a scrag drag death metal version of this at karaoke, and I have sung this on a cruise ship with a deep voice. It was a hilarious moment. Anyone who takes this song literally is completely daft. So many assumptions made.

Angel was the third single from the album, with Crazy for you from Vision Quest released just after the Material Girl single. I don’t think this is a great song, especially with how good Crazy for you was. Incidentally – Crazy for you was the very first karaoke song I ever sang at the age of 14 – I was so nervous doing it.

Like a Virgin is such a fun song, it’s catchy. I also completely mishear the lyrics. I’m not sure as a 10 year old kid that I thought much about the lyrics and what Madonna was singing about, but hey, it was a fun song, and I still think about it that way.

Over and over is also such a great song. I adore the version on You Can Dance. This song became one of my theme songs and every time I hear it I want to sing it. It has a great message, and I’m sure it’s autobiographical because you can see what Madonna has done in her career – ignore critics as best as you can, push through failures, and continuously get back up after making mistakes in both love and life.

It doesn’t matter who you are
It’s what you do that takes you far
And if at first you don’t succeed
Here’s some advice that you should heed
You get up again, over and over

Love don’t live here anymore is a song I understand, but it’s not one of my favourites from the album. I will say her vulnerable voice and the strings are great.

Dress You Up, for some reason, I think of my cousin Erika and her friend Sarah. Sarah loved fashion and was, to me, a real 80s kid. She’s awesome, and while I’ve not seen her in many years, I think of her a lot. Peak 80s.

Shoo-Bee-Doo has an amazing piano line, and honestly, a fantastic Madonna ballad. I feel this is a song I really shouldn’t like, but I really do.

I listed to this for the first time in a long time last week and it gave me a sense of how much I’ve grown. While I know some interpretations surround her singing to a lover, I’m wondering if it’s more general, love shown to a close friend who is hurting and needing someone to walk a path with them. At least, that’s my interpretation.

Pretender – Madonna as a story teller. I was thinking this was going to be like I know it and Think of me from Madonna, but I really like the structure of the music, and the way she tells the story.

Stay as a follow up, I’ve always liked when bands and artists write a song that has a similar vibe to the previous track so they become two tracks that will always remain cemented together. At least it does for me. I really like Madonna’s voice on Stay, so many signature Madonna sounds.

True Blue

My friend Shawn gave me True Blue for my birthday 1987 or 1988. This is an amazing album and really where Madonna really hones her craft as a story teller and song.

Papa Don’t Preach was so controversial at the time, and I never understood it. Teenage pregnancies were certainly happening, certainly do happen and the level of shame loaded on young women and young men adds to more societal problems, to me. How about supporting your kids?

I like Madonna’s stance on this – a statement of female agency, asserting that women have the right to choose the path that makes them happy.

Open Your Heart is an absolute favourite. The production is pure late 80s, and the song is genius. I admit, being a romantic at heart, and playing out relationships in my head, and later personal growth, when you open your heart, when you show that vulnerability, things truly get better. A favourite of mine to sing at karaoke.

White Heat – This is another one of those songs that I should dislike, and I think I did dislike it initially, but again, Madonna as a story teller – she portrays herself as a dominant figure demanding respect and commitment from her partner. Hell yes especially as we look back on female empowerment. Completely unapologetic. That’s what I love about Madonna.

Live to Tell – Originally for the film Fire with Fire, then At Close Range, the lyrics are a blend of the dark, mistrustful themes of the movie and her own childhood experiences—specifically, the internal secrets and private pains that make a person who they are, but are terrifying to share with the world.

I would sit listening to this in my living room as a kid, growing up. This track resonated with my experience growing up at the time. Where the lyric is, “A man can tell a thousand lies” for me, it was the women in my immediate family.

If I ran away, I’d never have the strength
To go very far
How would they hear the beating of my heart
Will it grow cold
The secret that I hide, will I grow old
How will they hear
When will they learn
How will they know

During the Celebration Tour, Madonna sang this as a tribute to those she lost to HIV/AIDS. It’s the second time I’ve ever cried at a concert. It was beautiful for such a beautiful son.

And that ends side 1 of the album. I had it on vinyl and I can still hear the stylus every time I listen to the album.

Where’s the party is a great fun track, pure pop and an absolute favourite.

True Blue brings us to the past of a doo-wop sounding track. Again, pure pop. While it’s no longer a go to, when ti comes on, you can’t help but feel uplifted. Look for Debi Mazar in the video.

La Isla Bonita is Madonna as a story teller again. I’ve always liked the imagery and the flamenco-inspired guitar. Interestingly, this track was rejected by Michael Jackson.

Jimmy Jimmy, a tribute to James Dean and Madonna’s admiration for bad boys. I admit, my grown up interpretation was more she’s fallen in love with a gay boy and can’t tell him. He then moves away. Personally, I like my interpretation.

why, oh why, oh why
Do fools fall in love?

Finally we come to Love Makes the World Go Round – another fun uplifting song about being connected to each other and commentary on politics on the day. If you think of Madonna as just another pop singer not singing about anything important – which many people have done – you miss the messaging.

True Blue is probably the first Madonna album that I’d listen from start to finish completely without skipping tracks. It is such a great album and such a personal one.

That covers the first three albums. We’ll cover Who’s That Girl, Like a Prayer, I’m Breathless, and Erotica and next.

What is my history?

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As I reflect back on the 33-year search for my biological parents which now draws to a close, it opens a different door entirely – What is my history?

Adopted kids lead interesting parallel lives of sorts – We inherit the life story of those who adopted and raised us – their history becomes our history.  Their traditions, their stories, their sense of where they come from all shape who we become.

Depending on the age at which we were adopted, that’s the only history we’ve known or it takes a fork in the road.  

In my case, I was adopted at three and a half months old, so I only knew one history until twenty-two years ago and then six months ago at the time of this writing.

For others who were adopted later, there can be memories of a life before adoption. Their histories may feel even more parallel — two lived experiences running side by side.

I can only write from the perspective of someone that was adopted as a baby.  For me, the question has never been about replacing one history with another.

The truth is simpler and more complex at the same time – both are mine.

I grew up with the stories of my adoptive family — their struggles, their humour, their values. Those stories shaped me. I was inspired by my adoptive parents, guided by them, and molded by the life we shared.

That was real history, and it was foundational for who I’ve become.

At the same time, learning the limited history of my maternal side — and especially the deeper, wider history of my paternal side — has opened another dimension of understanding. There is a long line of people whose lives, choices, resilience, and circumstances also lead directly to me.

I didn’t grow up in that world, and I didn’t inherit its traditions in the same way.

But discovering it has brought a sense of recognition — a deeper appreciation for where some of the threads of my life began long before I was here to see them.

There is pride in that history, even if parts of it are still unfamiliar.

And maybe that’s the point.

History, for someone adopted, isn’t a single straight line. It’s more like a braid — different strands woven together over time.

One strand is the life you were given. Another is the life you came from.

And somewhere in the weaving of those strands is the place where you finally begin to understand your own story.

As an adult, I’ve always been comfortable moving between different environments — from boardrooms to kitchen tables and communities. I’ve always been curious about people, cultures, and different ways of living, often trying to see the world from someone else’s perspective. In hindsight, I wouldn’t be surprised if that instinct was shaped by being adopted. Now, as I begin integrating this newly discovered part of my life, that instinct takes on a whole new depth.

Integration, for me, isn’t about choosing between worlds or rewriting the past. It’s about allowing these histories to sit beside each other and recognizing that both have shaped who I am. The family who raised me gave me my foundation — the values, lessons, and stability that shaped my life. The family I have come to know more recently adds something different – context, connection, and a deeper understanding of where some of those threads began long before I was aware of them.

Identity isn’t a replacement process. 
It’s an expansion. 

Each new story, each shared memory, each moment of recognition simply adds another layer to the life that was already there.

Neither history stands alone. Together they form the fuller picture of who I am.

A Sunday Discussion

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I’m writing this Monday evening, and I’ve been feeling raw today.  Not in a bad way, but in a “wow that was an amazing weekend”, that has left me fulfilled.

Specially Sunday, I spent some time with someone new.  We’ve been having some really deep conversations about gay men’s mental health (although the themes are not totally unique to the gay community), specifically about how we’ve both dealt with anxiety, baggage, emotions, the importance of expressing them and the divide between older men and us –  how that past generation on occasion dismisses mental health, how we realised that it needs to be dealt with, how we see and have experienced how it manifests and how we encourage that in others.

This is not an us against them post – there’s no value in that kind of division that you see in mainstream media all too often.  Instead, this is about our observations and experiences.

I really do believe men need positive reinforcement that it’s okay to feel and have emotions, and not just permission.

Times are changing. Many of us were never really taught how to sit with anxiety without calling it weakness. We weren’t shown how to talk about shame without deflecting it with humour, sex, anger, or achievement. A lot of us were handed a model that said: be strong, be desirable, be successful, don’t be complicated.

For gay men especially, there’s an added layer. We learned early how to code-switch, how to scan rooms, how to measure safety, how to make ourselves acceptable. That vigilance doesn’t just disappear because we come out. It buries itself in our nervous systems. It shows up as overthinking, perfectionism, sexual anxiety, as the need to be “at our best” all the time.

We talked about how some older folks were taught to push it down. “Don’t talk about it”, “Be grateful”, “Other people have it worse”, “Stop playing games”.

I don’t say that to criticize them — I say it because that was survival for them. Emotional restriction was a coping strategy in a generation that didn’t have language or containers for mental health.

I’ve lived and experienced some of those moments from older folks – men and women – whether directed at me or when talking about others “Turn off the water works”, “They’re playing games”, “Man up”, plus other statements.

In the discussion this weekend, we both feel we straddle something different. We got the emotional shutdown messaging, and then we also got access to therapy, self help culture, psychology books, online spaces, community dialogue, new research. We almost feel like a bridge generation that feels everything from both sides.

What struck me most on Sunday was this and I was re-reminded: when two men choose to speak plainly about anxiety, about fear of inadequacy, about breakdowns, about survival mode – there’s a real shift that happens and I find that candour really refreshing. There’s less performance, less bravado and more quiet honesty.

That is strength.

Positive reinforcement between men is radical. Saying:

  • You handled that well
  • That anxiety makes sense
  • You don’t have to carry that alone
  • You’re allowed to rest
  • You’re worthy even when you’re not performing

This rewires things.

We cannot keep expecting men to magically be emotionally regulated while simultaneously shaming them for having emotions.

Yes, some men avoid this work, mocking it, hiding behind cynicism – dear $deity have I seen this in spades! That’s part of the story too. 

Growth isn’t universal or linear, and it’s not always tidy – I know this all too well.

Avoidance is often armour, cynicism is often protection, defensiveness is usually fear wearing a sharper jacket, projection is pain looking for somewhere else to land.

Regardless, every man is worthy and deserving of connection, love, and of a life that feels integrated and whole. Worthiness isn’t contingent on courage, curiosity, or timing.  Integration isn’t something you earn by getting it “right.” It’s something you grow into at your own pace.  No one is outside of that possibility.

Feeling deeply isn’t fragility – it’s integration, and integration is available to all of us, whenever we’re ready to turn toward it.

If we want healthier relationships, healthier sexuality, healthier leadership, healthier friendships — men have to do this work. Not perform it, not posture it, actually do it.

We have to look at our anxiety, our anger, our shutdown patterns, our shame around desire, our fear of aging, our fear of not being enough.

We have to stop pretending we’re above needing each other.

Sunday left me raw in the best way – connected, expanded.  It reminded me that vulnerability between men isn’t emasculating. It’s liberating.

If you’re a man reading this:
Your anxiety is not a character flaw.
Your past coping strategies were survival.
Your breakdowns don’t disqualify you.

And you don’t have to do this alone.

P.S: This entry has been at least 32 years in the making. I’ve been carrying these thoughts since first-year university. I’m grateful it’s finally out of my head — and that life has given me the experiences to understand what I was sensing and questioning back then.

The past in 5.25in floppies

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Over the holidays, my Commodore 64 Ultimate arrived. For those that don’t know, Commodore is back and they’re back with a very awesome and true to the classic FPGA-based Commodore 64.

It’s absolutely brilliant. It supports old peripherals, new peripherals, USB storage and the ability to plug in two original SID chips, among other things.

I’ve been spending time backing up disks over the past two or three years. There was a stall as my childhood C64 died – although I think it can be revived by replacing RAM chips based on the behaviour. That’s where the C64U is absolutely brilliant.

So I’ve been going through a bunch of of disks – mostly full of games, some old high school assignments, and some treasures from friends from my past who are no longer with us, but programs they had written themselves.

Despite having these disks for a long time, I never ventured into some of the other programs – assuming it was all data for a particular game. It turns out some of these were basic programs that were written by these two friends in particular.

I’ve often thought about them, but having something somewhat tangible, in the form of a 5.25in floppy, with something they likely enjoyed writing – adventure games, some rudimentary character-based animations, it was really neat to see.

It definitely had me wondering what would have happened had they both been around today, what lives they would have lead. Both were creative individuals – one an amazing pianist, the other into drawing, and both had imaginative minds.

What strikes me is, no one other than the two people I’m thinking of would appreciate the code that I found beyond me, maybe one of their brothers. They’d have been lost to time had I not thought – “Lets see what this is”.

It was a neat way to remember two people lost way too soon.

I made backups so they’re immortalized on USB, soon my file server, and also my retro gaming setup. Preserved that little while longer, honouring them both with code they wrote 41 years ago at the height of the 8-bit computing era.