Category Archives: Spirituality

Learning to live with anxiety

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I live with anxiety.

It’s something that I really didn’t have an understanding of until I considered that I may be living with it, researched it, and the pandemic, plus some brewing personal situations that I needed to resolve was really the impetus for me figuring it out.

I think, when people think about anxiety, they think of the stereotypical suburban housewife in the 80s and earlier, taking Valium, not able to cope with things; which does a real disservice to women and stigmatizes what anxiety is, and how it can be treated.

We’ve come a long way since then and while mental health is still misunderstood, the treatments, compassion and care that exists today versus what I’ve seen friends go through, say, in the 80s is night and day.

NOTE: This blog entry discusses my mental health journey and while aspects here might help you, I am not a mental health expert and I advise you that if any of what I have written resonates with you, do consider speaking with a therapist.

Consider being in a situation that involves someone else where your mind is racing trying to figure out all the angles, possibilities and outcomes of the situation in advance so you’re prepared to get through any variant of the situation – a perpetual what if machine.

You’re nervous about saying the right thing in the right way because it’s super important to you, you have often been misunderstood in life, so you want to make sure you’re heard and understood. It consumes you and takes up valuable cycles you could be using to focus on other things in your life.

You become irritable, emotional – you want to do the right thing- you want to do the right thing for yourself, you also want to be considerate and do the right thing for the person you need to talk with and open up to, but you can’t because you’re trying to find the perfect way to meet your needs, their needs, to be sensitive to the other person and true to yourself.

You agonize over it.
You beat yourself up.

At least, in how anxiety has been showing up for me, this has been a common scenario. I recognize that anxiety shows up in a multitude of different ways for different people. Overcoming and learning to live with anxiety is a unique journey for everyone.

There are a few approaches I figured out for myself that seemed to work

  • I write it out as it helps to get out of your head – a theme – and allows me to collect and organize thoughts. I can spin so hard, its very hard to keep thoughts organized.
  • I talk to others to get out of my head – starting to see a theme? Mainly because I have the sense to say, “I need help!”. I know I’m stuck inside, and need to check in with someone else who is outside the situation to get a reality check, to be challenged and ultimately to help stop that spinning so I could do what I needed to do – which was to talk the person I really needed to.
  • In some situations I’m able to talk directly to the person, which really is how it should be, but it’s not as smooth as it really should be, and even in those moments, when talking things out, my head can be spinning hard.

That spinning is not kind, it will pull in other baggage, and it’s very hard to dig out. I knew that if I talked directly to the person involved about the situation I’m spinning about, it’s not going to be pretty. At least, that’s what I thought at the time.

In all honesty, no matter how weird or meandering or even ugly the path to the resolution to the situation you’re in is, dealing with it straight up is actually better. The people that can and do see past your baggage will be the ones that will help you figure things out and support you in seeing through your anxiety and triggers.

The character of Anxiety in Inside Out 2, a recent movie from Disney-Pixar, anthropomorphizes a great representation of anxiety. I really feel that if I had this story growing up, it may have given me some good food for thought or at least planted a seed where I could have realized earlier what was happening and lessened the impact on my life.

I’m not going to talk here about how I was able to connect the dots that lead to me learning how to mitigate my anxiety as it did involve some unconventional methods. The parts I will talk about are

  • it did involve looking at situations that were triggering me. At the time I was dealing with triggers constantly going off from multiple sources – I am surprised I kept it together. For me, this was typically the starting point for where anxiety starts for a given situation.
  • I had the sense to take the time to understand why I was triggered – what in my past is trying to inform me that I’m in some form of “danger zone”? This part of my looking inward journey was huge and I had to build courage to go there and face my interpretation of the past, and heal from it. I had to go back and deal with my past.
  • I spent time with my therapist to talk through what I was seeing and experiencing.
  • Most importantly, I have some amazing family around me who gave me:
    • a safe space for me to be able to deal with whatever I was dealing with in real time as things came up,
    • while they called me on my shit, it was clear they had my back and loved me and stood for me being a better Iain, and they were invested in being part of my life just as I wanted them in my life,
    • the space to make mistakes and learn from them,
    • reminders that I was worthy of that support and love,
    • a voice, that would be listened to, where I felt heard, and people took the time to understand me and what I was dealing with,
    • where I could get reassurance and learn to trust that reassurance,
    • where I could express emotion and not feel locked up, that i was wrong for just feeling and expressing that emotion – that my emotions are real and valid,
    • challenged me in a good thought provoking way – during that whole period I was constantly hearing “Get out of your head, Iain”,
    • giving me the love and respect that I really needed to get through such a weird space that I happened to get into, that I needed to dig out of.

While only I could do the work, having that support network was what I really needed to sort myself out. Definitely a gift the universe has given me.

Today, I can say my mind is the quietest it has ever been, ever. I cringe thinking about the times it lead to awkward and explosive situations. I’m not comfortable with it, and all I can do is accept that it happened and where required clean it up. learn from it and be a better person.

Anxiety has shaped my life for an incredibly long time. I can go back to my childhood where it started. I have no idea if it’s something that I’m predispositioned towards or a learned behaviour – I suspect a combination of both.

I certainly recognize what I went through, and the situations that made me a pro at the spin and keeping things to myself. My strong independent streak because I couldn’t rely on or didn’t even have the support I should have had when I was younger, and keeping things to myself as a result, among other things, all this adds up, and I am not surprised at how this turned out. It was a perfect storm.

I am proud of the man I’ve become, I’m proud of the hard work I’ve done on myself to be a better human. The true me has always been upbeat, personable, hardworking, someone who wants to do the right thing, make the world a better place and an introvert-leaning ambivert willing to look inwards,

The people that matter, I know, are also proud of me. I would not be where I am without them.

Eulogy for Gavin

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Last night, November 8th, 2015, our cat Gavin went to the great kitty home in the sky after a period of slowing down and losing weight.  I had noticed that on the last few trips that Gavin was getting lighter, and more frail though his energy for life and the love he gave never diminished.

Gavin was adopted at the PetSmart during a time when the Toronto Human Society was visiting during a time where there were many cats needing homes in the city.  As soon as you picked him up, he started licking your nose.  I was hooked.  He had such a nice disposition, and it stuck with him for all 15-16 years of his life with us.

Gavin only hissed at me a handful of times, and the first day he lived with us, he hissed at is as he was out of his element.  I let him be and he soon came around to jump up on our futon, sit on my alp and even my laptop, sit in front of the keyboard at my desk.  He became our cat, and I was his Daddy. Scott in many respects was the Mummy.  Or was it the other way around with me being so nurturing and Scott sometimes having to be the tough one?  Who knows.

He wasn’t a fastidious cleaner, but his coat was usually immaculate other than usually regular brushings which he didn’t mind, and when he was much bigger he needed some help scratching behind his ears.

Gavin, I always said was like a dog that we never had.  He would always greet us at the door, be waiting at the door for us to come home, meow and pawa at us for attention.  I think he disliked the fact we’d spend more time with our laptops than fussing him, always wanting attention.  He was playful and jovial

Shadow, our other cat, came into our lives 4 months after we picked up Gavin.  We wanted Gavin to have a brother or sister, so that he wouldn’t be alone and they seemed to enjoy their company together at the start, sleeping close to each other.  I’m not sure what changed but some time later during the 15 years together, they seemed to only just tolerated each other, although they never got into big fights like some cats do.  They never got into big spats, but Shadow certainly asserted herself, Gavin was mostly a pacifist.  They definitely had a brother/sister bond that we’re very glad they formed.

Gavin always had Shadow’s back, no matter what.  If we were brushing Shadow, which she really hates, he would always keep an eye on her to make sure we were treating her well, which we always do.

I was hoping that towards the end of Gavin’s life, Shadow may realize what was going on and be re-conciliatory but even this weekend, she raised her paw to Gavin.  Sadly, she realized what was going on when she saw Gavin for the last time, last night and she did have a bit of a shocked reaction.

When Scott and I lived for two years in Campbellville, it was a joy seeing Gavin walking outside, going down the stairs of the balcony, basing in the sun and grass, and hunting.  He even brought back a few mice for us.  He seemed fearless in his quests for new adventures and took the three moves (Thorncliffe Park, Campbellville and the current condo in Etobicoke) in stride making each home his own.

Nothing meant more than his nose licks anytime I wanted them, and they were never taken for granted.  I loved scritching his head in appreciation, hearing his loud purr.  Even before his passing yesterday – he’d pop his head up, lick my finger or nose, and purr loudly as I stroked his coat.  This is what I will miss most.  Him wishing me off on my day at work, and then greeting me at home.

When at home, it never really felt like just the two of us – Scott and I.  It was the four of us – Scott, Gavin, Shadow and me.  Even when our condo corporation tried to tell us we couldn’t have our cats, we fought back to keep them because they ARE a part of our household, they are part of our family unit.  They’re the kids that Scott and I will never have, in many respects.

Scott and I both feel very blessed to have had Gavin in our lives.  I don’t know what we did to deserve such a great cat in our lives.  I’m not sure there will ever be another cat like Gavin in our lives, especially given the condo corporation won’t allow us to have cats.  Just birds and fish.

Gavin you will be missed and that really does not describe how any of us feel.

Gavin comes from a long line of cats in our lives.  Growing up in Newfoundland, Mum and Dad had siamese cats, Aussie and Tilley.  When we moved to Campbellville, we had Morris (Robyn’s) and Timbit (mine) who were both children of my Aunt and Uncle’s cat Beaudica.  Both Morris and TImbit were such nice and wonderfully affectionate cats, like Gavin.   Robyn had Mythrandir, Pirate Jenny which was my Aunt’s cat, and my cousins Kirsten & Barry currently have a cat named Gracie.  Of course, we still have Shadow as well.

1987

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It was 1987.  I would have been 12 going on 13.  A young friend of my cousins and my sister, although he would have been about 17 or 18, was dealing with severe manic depression as a result of bipolar disorder.  Unfortunately the mental health services in Halton Region were completely useless at the time and unfortunately the young man committed suicide.

This was the first funeral I had ever attended, and the first at Holy Rosary Parish in Milton.

What happened during that service was, quite frankly, disgusting.  In short during the sermon, the priest at the time said that the young man would not be allowed into heaven.  You could hear the wailing of the whole congregation.  Seeing the mother of the young man completely distraught was inexcusable.  There was practically a revolt as youth who were attending shouted back at the priest.  The priest would hear nothing of it.  He, unilaterally, decided that the young man wouldn’t be allowed into heaven because he took his own life.

I know I was a mess after that, and while I didn’t feel I had any power to do anything, this sparked within me, how important peer counselling and mental health is, and that attitudes had to change.  People living with mental health challenges such as bipolar disorder need compassion, understanding and help.  And this is what drove me to volunteer in such programs.

I wasn’t going to change the church’s view, but I could do other things.  Over the years, I hoped and prayed that attitudes would change.

And another suicide would happen again to a second friend a year and a half later in 1988.  I wasn’t at that funeral – I should have been.

Yesterday I attended the funeral for a friend from high school who committed suicide.  I was apprehensive about the church service knowing what happened in 1987.  I still to this day feel the anger of that situation.  That was not going to stop me from celebrating and grieving the life of my friend from high school, with the community of people that loved him.  This was too important.

That said, the church has learned since that time.  Our friend was sent on his way to the afterlife with full blessings.  It was a beautiful thing to see, that attitudes have changed.  This helps to bring some closure to a 27 or 28 years pain.  I am still brought to tears thinking about this part of the service.

There are many things the Roman Catholic Church has done wrong over thousands of years.  This doesn’t erase that, but it does show you can teach an old dog new tricks and that enlightenment can happen.  I know Pope Francis is working to steer attitudes of the church, or so it seems.  I pray that one day the Roman Catholic Church will somehow collectively atone for it’s sins.

This doesn’t mean I necessarily support the Roman Catholic Church, but I believe it is important to acknowledge positive changes seen.  Thank you to the Pastor who celebrated a life lost yesterday and for providing that healing for me, and for providing a place where we don’t have to deal with old attitudes such as what happened in 1987.

It’s too soon for any of us

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I wrote this a few days ago, posted on Facebook but wanted to keep this in my blog,

I’ve been sitting back listening to some music from my high school days, which often gets me reminiscing about those days. Believe it or not, high school for me, despite all the awkwardness that happens had lots of good times. Definitely better than the previous three years prior.

I never felt like I belonged in any particular one group and I seemed to be quite transient between a group of friends my age and older into technology, programming, science and music; a group into technology and sports (later when I started playing Rugby); and another group of friends my age and younger who very much eclectic and at one level a bunch of misfits, again with a unifying interest in music, but more diverse between technology and arts.

This is where I met Chris I have to admit, we weren’t as close as some in the group but there was always a mutual respect, as there was between everyone who was part. In the group that included Chris, Chris, Chad, John, John, Catriona, Laura, Clayton and others; we all had such diverse backgrounds, tastes in music, we all enjoyed either gaming and computers and then whatever else we brought with us all complemented each other.

As some have alluded, Chris knew how to reinvent himself like Madonna – and that’s not a bad thing. The pranks, late night drives, the first time going to the Bovine Sex Club – THE goth/industrial club in Toronto, and being exposed to harder edged music which has inspired me today.

I always enjoyed Chris’ witty attitude and humour. I liked that he was into cars. I like cars, but he took it to a much deeper level.  

Talking tonight at the visitation, all of us are saying, “It’s too soon for any of us”.

—

The following lyrics from Duran Duran’s song, Beautiful Colours really come to mind for me.

(LeBon/Rhodes/Taylor/Taylor/Taylor)

Today, riding the slow train along the way
Going to who knows where and who knows when
Not knowing where you’re rolling – it’s the learning of this journey

I feel all you good people gather and believe
Being of flesh and breathing is enough
Promise to carry on from each moment to the next one

These beautiful colours, infinite patterns so hard I see
And though we’re all of the same stuff
There’s not one of you who is the same as me

Whoa, the beautiful colours, in different patterns for you to see
Sometimes the beauty of it all seems unbearable ’til the colours bleed (keep breathing…)

Design – everyone’s their own universe
Besides – life isn’t a standard issue it’s customized
Ashes to supernova is the nature of existence

These beautiful colours, infinite patterns so hard I see
And though we’re all of the same stuff
There’s not one of you who is the same as me

Whoa, the beautiful colours, in different patterns for you to see
Sometimes the beauty of it all seems unbearable ’til the colours bleed (keep breathing…)

Keep breathing
Keep loving

These beautiful colours, infinite patterns so hard I see
And though we’re all of the same stuff
There’s not one of you who is the same as me

Whoa, the beautiful colours, in different patterns for you to see
Sometimes the beauty of it all seems unbearable ’til the colours bleed (keep breathing…)